Jesus is a Poser

by intrepidcaptain

"Thou shall eat my flesh and drink my blood"? Yeah, what and original way to commune with your followers. Have you even heard of Dionysus?

I’m just gonna come right out and say it.

The Church is full of posers, man. They just… I mean, I guess I would have been into the whole “Easter” thing back when it was all about Aester and fertility and whatever, but like, now…? So played out. I mean, Aester has really lost her integrity, you know, as like a deity, man, every since she sold out to the Church. Rites of fertility paying homage to the rebirth of the earth mother with the first spring rains? I mean, that totally blew all the other holidays out of the water in the Paleolithic Era or whenever Aester did her first show. There was so much vision there, I mean, back when there wasn’t this “zombie Jesus” shit. Which was a cool concept, I guess, like, last year, but even that wasn’t very original. Robin Williams did it on HBO in, like, the eighties or whatever so, yeah, zombie Jesus has been done. Seriously.

Being reborn after suffering for your people? Way better when Prometheus did it, and his rendition involved fire. Ass.

Its not just Aester, though, its the whole pagan calendar. There were some really serious artists in the pagan pantheon, with some real integrity behind their holidays, and then Jesus just came along and all these holidays sold out. Jesus is just like, the opposite of original. The rebirth thing? I mean, other religions were also doing it and they just, like, translated Aester’s name wrong, and that’s cool, ’cause having a whole other identity in each autonomous collective just gave Aester that much more cred, man. It was a sign of acceptance because everyone really dug her stuff. But then Jesus comes along and is all, like, this fertility thing you did? No, I’m seeing a whole new angle to this. Which is cool, but then he just didn’t get the universality of it and decided it was going to be all about him. His rebirth, not Aester’s. It wasn’t even like he tried to make it original. It as just the same thing, only about him, and all the sacrificial stuff was taken out, and replaced with some pussified hymns and whatever. Then the Church and Hallmark got together in the 50s or whatever, and added in some crap about the Easter Bunny. He took some really good work, man, that had like, a soul, or whatever, and completely re-appropriated it as a tool of societal norms. I mean, Stepford America, am I right? Uhg, you totally didn’t get that, did you.

I would have been way more into this whole Jesus thing if he had at least been born originally but, he couldn’t even do that. Um, son of an all-powerful sky-god with a human mother that was totally a virgin? Yeah, ’cause Zeus didn’t already do that, like, a couple thousand times. Which your dad definitely knew about since he was chilling with the Jews at the time and would have totally been at the first performance. Really weak, man. Your dad is way cooler.

G-d, look at this square. No seriously, look at what he's doing, its cancelling out all that "Vengefull Monotheistic Deity" stuff you and Abraham started. You were cool before you had a kid.

I mean, the Church almosthad the right idea when they ignored the fact that Jesus’ birthday was in March and decided to move it (’cause that month totally already had holidays for Irish midgets or whatever) but then they screwed that up. They just, like, didn’t get it. As if getting Aester to sell out wasn’t enough, they had to get in on the Saturnalia’s deal (which had originally been the feast of the Son of Isis, so its not even like the Romans were original). It actually really speaks to the hollowness of the Church’s creative spirit when such sad attempts at original holidays aren’t even the first re-appropriation of someone else’s genius.

No one is impressed by your flimsy imitation.

There’s this theory that you probably haven’t even heard about yet where a kid’s behavior either boils down to “wasn’t hugged enough as a child” or “hugged way way way too much as a child,” and I have to say that Jesus probably dressed up as other people’s children just to steal hugs from their parents, because judging by the old testament, G-d wouldn’t have been a very huggy father. I’m not saying that Jesus’ holiday-themed kleptomania is entirely due to his upbringing, but his holiday-themed kleptomania is entirely due to his upbringing. But you can only blame a kids parents for so much, and Jesus’ whiny attempts to get the other gods to like him by stealing their ideas is doing little to endear him to potential worshipers.